Sorry, I haven't exactly been very consistent in updating my blog. Some days I am lazy, some days I have terrible mood swings, and other days I am hung over. So you could say I haven't really had the time to update frequently. To the faithful readers who still visit everyday or every other day or even more than once a week, thank you. My blog hits have gone up a little (not significantly) ever since I broke up with N... I don't know why, but it doesn't matter as well. At least I know there are people still interested about what's happening in my life... Btw, I don't earn from blog hits if that's what you're thinking. I don't bother removing the Nuffnang widget at the side because it keeps me informed on how many people have visited my blog over the past few days/weeks/months. It does console me to know that there are people who still read this space, even though ultimately I blog for myself, as a form of releasing pent up emotions and also to look back one day and recall everything that happened during this period of time.

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On Sunday I attended my cousin's wedding. It was a grand affair held at Marriott and there were about 70 tables. It was so sweet. I kept thinking of N and how I used to envision us having our wedding. Back then I thought about walking down the aisle with no one else but N by my side, I thought about the speech I would give and who I would thank, I even thought about which photos I'd use for our video montage. Back then I wanted more than anything to spend the rest of my life with him. In a moment of impulse I texted N. It was a stupid thing to do and I knew that. I knew that I had fought so hard to keep myself moving forward and if I could just stop myself from sending that one stupid text, it would only get better. But I couldn't, and I didn't, and as expected, there was no reply from him.

--

Some people ask me why do I indulge in all these vices and what good do I get out of all these crazy nights. They think it would be wiser for me to spend my time and money trying to get my life moving again instead of remaining stagnant, the way I am now. Well, I guess this is my way of moving on. I will not allow myself to spend quiet nights at home thinking of how much I lost, and wallowing in self-pity, because I know that I would only fall into a deeper, darker abyss.

Yesterday I heard this song at Sensation:



I told P that I thought this was a lovely but very sad song. He didn't find it sad, he just told me, "this song meaning wait for girlfriend". I don't know, maybe it's because the first time I heard this song it struck a chord within me. Will I meet the right person? When? Is there even a right person out there? I don't mind waiting but I hate not knowing what/who I'm waiting for.

--

On a much brighter note, since I am very much free right now, I choose to occupy my thoughts and time with having as much fun as I can with the people who can provide me all the fun and laughter I'd like to have.

A few posts ago I worried about being played but now? I can't find the right words to describe how enjoyable it is to play. After all, I am not committed to any one person so why not? Just thinking about that cheers me up significantly... :)

I think I will never recover from my sickness, really. Each time I think I'm getting better, I get over confident and head out to drink and then it gets worse again. Oh well. I've drank for 3 consecutive nights now - Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and A is tempting me to head out tonight. I am trying to buy time by blogging because as much as I would prefer being out than boring myself to death at home, I think I might just collapse if I do head out tonight...

Anyway. On a separate note. I have been feeling a lot better ever since I stopped receiving N's texts. My days are looking a lot brighter as well... Or maybe it's just that I've been meeting people who've put in quite a bit of effort to make me feel like life doesn't suck as much as I think it does. In a way, I've missed the feeling of being chased. :P one thing that makes me both happy and surprised: despite me being such an ugly blob of fats, there are still (blind) guys out there who want me!!!!!!! That probably means I don't have to worry about being left on the shelf ever... Hahahaha.

Still, I'm not ready to commit to any one person as yet. The thought of getting into another relationship really puts me off. In fact, being single isn't as bad as I thought it would be after all. I've decided that I'll take all the time in the world to rest and to let my heart heal because that's what it deserves. ^.^

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Oh yes, A has also been reminding me that my birthday is coming in about one month's time!!! Am I psyched? Probably just a little. The mother asked me what plans I had and if I was gonna throw a celebration. I remember how, when I was younger, it was important to me that I had a birthday celebration every year. And every year my mum "rejected" my "application" for one. This year, though, when I told her that I didn't want a celebration, she didn't seem too pleased with that. Hmm. No idea why.

So far, all my plans revolve around drinking. Which is nothing new. So far, I have asked a few people excitedly what they're planning to get me for my birthday and the standard response I have gotten? "Open a bottle for you loh"

... ...

I have such awesome friends right!!!!! Such awesome friends who are willing to spend $100+ on a bottle of liquor, just to see me drunk -____-" A also told me, "your birthday you confirm go on stage drink 5 seconds" which already intimidates me. Upon hearing that, I threatened not to celebrate my birthday at his club. HAHA.

I think I shall hire a bodyguard for the day. A bodyguard who isn't allowed to drink so that he/she can take care of me when I'm drunk. I predict I will be absolutely, completely, 100% gone on that day. Just hope I don't sleep outside the club/in the toilet/anywhere and everywhere like how I used to embarrass myself at Sensation >.<

Btw, for those who would like to get me an anonymous gift (which I definitely won't reject and would be very grateful for, hahaha), please get me a hard disk because I predict my laptop will crash soon and I'd like to save everything on a hard disk before it does. I would appreciate a pair of nice 3-4 inch heels as well, been over wearing the one that N got me and have been too lazy to go shopping for a new pair. And lastly, anyone who's reading this and would like to join in the party (I predict it'll probably either be on 22nd and/or 23rd), text/fb/email me!!! I won't reveal the location publicly on my blog but I will if you ask me privately! The more the merrier :)

Ok this post is getting too long, sorry the excitement got the better of me... Shall run now, A expects my reply before 1030pm on whether I'm heading out...

 

อยากขอโทษที่เคยเอาแต่ใจ
อยากขอโทษอะไรที่ร้ายๆ
อยากให้เธออภัยในสิ่งที่ฉันผิดพลั้ง ไปมากมาย

--

A couple of nights back I was an emotional mess. I wrote a long email to N and cried buckets while doing so. I will not reveal the contents of the email, 1) because it is not necessary and 2) because it was a very personal email. That night I cried myself to sleep and told myself to stop being such a fucking fool, to wake up to a better day. But it seems as if I've been telling myself that too much and too frequently...

I am not perfectly alright yet, but I have lied to myself time and again that I am. When we first broke up I was surprised at how calm I was. I thought that maybe this meant I had absolutely no feelings for him anymore and hence moving on wasn't gonna be that difficult. A month (or so) later, everything came flooding in. The realization came first, followed by the pain, the loneliness, the regret... I didn't expect it to be this bad.

To be honest, I am hardly ever physically alone these days. But in more ways than one, I feel empty.

I am a fool because I chose to let go of someone who loved me more than I deserved to be loved, and now that the realization has struck me, he has long moved on to seek a life that is more fulfilling than a life spent with me.

I am so sick right now that I don't have any energy to do anything at all. V organized a little something for the group of us today but as much as I wanted to go, I couldn't because I felt too unwell. And as much as I would like to blame this on yesterday's drinking (I believe if I hadn't gone I wouldn't be this ill now), I can't bring myself to. Simply because last night was one helluva night ;)

I'm feeling so physically fucked up now - my nose is running, my throat hurts like a bitch and I can't swallow saliva, I have too much phlegm, my head and my body aches so badly... But I guess in a way, I am emotionally fulfilled. Money in exchange for temporal happiness? Why not. ^^ maybe in time to come I'll wake up and realize that all these isn't worth anything, but right now I am happy and that's all that matters. After being in a roller-coaster relationship for 2 years and having to suffer the aftermath of it, I couldn't be more thankful for a timely distraction.

A couple of days back I couldn't sleep well and woke up at 7am running a high fever. I dragged myself out of bed to get panadol and water. But I was coughing so bad and practically choking on my phlegm, so I tried to spit all of it out and at that moment I suddenly thought of N. I thought of N in that sick and sorry state I was in. I recalled how he used to take care of me whenever I was sick. How I would wake up in the middle of the night coughing, how he would tell me "just force the phlegm out. Just cough it out and you'll be ok already". I recalled how there was once he was so sick, yet he still turned on the air con to sleep knowing I wouldn't be able to fall asleep otherwise. And I recalled how he woke up in the middle of that night, shivering and running a high fever. I recalled how he hugged me so tight and how my heart hurt to see him that way. I recalled how I patted him to sleep, how I wished I could take away his pain and suffering and inflict it on myself instead. I recalled how deeply in love we were.

At that point I missed him so much. At that point I wanted so badly for him to be there with me, for me, taking care of me. But it was also then that I told myself that after 2 years of dependence on him it's about time I start being independent. It was BECAUSE of this dependence that left me so broken at the end of the day, and I vowed never to let my life revolve around one single person that much anymore.

Well... I am alone now, and in some ways, being alone is good. I do get lonely sometimes but at least I am free, to put it simply. Free to do what I want and not have to account to anybody. Like what Z would call it, a "free man". Or rather... A "free woman".

Last night I took a rest from the party action and followed V and friends to a pub at Boat Quay to chill out. A KTV pub, to be exact. Everything was great until this song came on:



And I thought of N. I was surrounded by so many people, all of them having so much fun, yet all I was feeling in my heart was a dull ache, and all I wanted to do was break down and cry right there and then. 

害怕寂寞 就讓狂歡的城市陪我關燈
只是哪怕周圍再多人 感覺還是一個人

This song so aptly describes how I'm feeling. I thought I was happy making use of money and alcohol to numb the pain. In fact, I am happy everytime I'm out drinking. So why the ache when I listened to this song? Why did I feel as if I could relate so well to the lyrics? Why does it hurt so bad now?


給我一個理由忘記 那麼愛我的你 
給我一個理由放棄 當時做的決定 
有些愛 越想抽離卻越更清晰 
而最痛的距離 是你不在身邊 卻在我的心裡

So. Last night (or rather, the night before) was a pretty good night. DD as usual, I can't recall how many towers we had but all I know is that I kept losing when we were playing games... To the extent that I had to squat down to drink >.< thankfully I didn't puke though, wouldn't have been a good way to end the night, haha. The usual mookata for supper/breakfast after with 3 very entertaining boys + 1 drunk little boy ended the night/morning on an awesome note. :)

Last night was also the night I parted with some hard-earned cash to get a gift for someone rather special to me. It's been a long time since I bought a present costing 3 digits; I think the last gift was for N for his Christmas present last year? This time it was an impulse buy. Don't ask me why I did it. I just woke up yesterday thinking I was gonna do it, and I did. Was it worth it? Maybe, maybe not - but then how do you determine whether it's worth it or not? I did it for a purpose, and that is to make the receiver happy. I have no doubts that the receiver was very pleasantly surprised, which makes me happy as well, so I guess it's safe to say it was money well-spent.

--

So after such an exciting night, I headed to bed with nothing but positive emotions within me. Anticipated a good night's rest, anticipated waking up to a great day tomorrow. But little did I expect that I would dream of N. It just wasn't possible because I didn't even think of him throughout the entire day. And so I woke up with a heavy heart, spent the day resting at home and dealing with some very horrid cramps, and my itchy fingers decided to check out his FB profile. I'm glad to see he's doing good. A little bit of sourness in my heart but at least I know that he's fine, that I've allowed him to lead a happier, more carefree life with the people around him who would shower him with much more love and affection than I could afford. I guess I am going through the letting go phase, so that's why it seems so tough right now, but I'm sure it'll get better. We were after all together for two years... It'll definitely take some time. So I'm just gonna take a step at a time, a day at a time, and slowly work towards becoming whole once again.

Just gotta constantly remind myself to guard my heart; can't let anyone in as easily anymore....

A few nights back I decided to take a break from partying and stayed home. Told myself that it was no point running away from reality by going to drink every night. I was gonna have to face up to these emo nights bravely... So I did.

I talked to N online and thought that maybe we should have some form of closure. Well, at least that's what I expected. I don't know, seems as if there wasn't much of a closure at the end of the day. It was a teary night, but I told myself to brave the fuck up and wake up to a better day tomorrow. I know it is no point talking/blogging about N the whole time. I know that it's over, and that there is no way we will be able to save the relationship, and I also know that we probably hate each other more than anything now. But whenever I come to this page, my thoughts are as follows:

"What should I blog about? -> My deepest thoughts and feelings -> What/who am I thinking about/feeling now? Or what am I bothered about? -> N... Of course..."

Sigh, fuck me.

--

On a (much) brighter note...

DD followed by Sensation is the most lethal combo ever... Never fails to make me drunk >.<

Especially love the "after party" suppers/breakfasts at GM/wherever :)

Family photo ^.^

You know what? Why the fuck should I give up all of that for a relationship that's so hard to fight for. A relationship that is bound by rules, a relationship void of love and trust, a relationship that has left me down and out for the past few months... Ironically, a relationship that has made me develop this lifestyle, the lifestyle that actually brings me happiness, albeit temporal. For the record, I have created a new album on FB and the album is titled "Drinking makes me happy".

Since you choose to believe that I've been lying all this while, I am not obliged to think that you've been a saint all this while as well. So what if I miss you, so what if the memories come flashing back at the most unexpected moments. So fucking what.  

愛你愛到恨了你　恨你讓我如此愛你　我恨你　我恨你　但是我更愛你
愛你愛到恨了你　恨你讓我如此愛你　不恨你　不恨你　那是不夠愛你
最愛最恨都是你