I really hope this'll be the last time I'm saying this but this week has been the mother of all fucked up weeks. To be precise, this week marks a few endings to matters that my life has been revolving around lately. I don't know if this is for better or for worse; all I know is that it's been really tough and exhausting trying to cope with everything.

--

So this is it. Geog's the first paper, on Monday... Then the next two weeks are gonna be really taxing. But this is it, really. The final 50m dash which decides whether I make it or not. But I guess what excites me more is the freedom that awaits me when I'm over and done with this... Although again, I don't know if I should be happy or sad about that 'cos being less busy is gonna void me of all excuses for not allowing the emotional burdens to set in. Sigh.

--

Vivien's stressing me out now. It's past midnight and she's telling me "OMG IT'S SUNDAY. GEOG IS TMRWWWWWW!!!"

I'm starting to get panicky again.

--

于是你变成我的朋友
口中曾经爱的人
我们要承认对方称呼对方
只是那个人
如果真的两不相欠
见面也不要红着双眼

I hate this feeling of not being able to let go. How presumptuous of me to think that it'd get better with the passing of each day... Instead, moving on seems more and more impossible as I struggle to get through each day. I need you back... But so does she. And I know that I'm not, and was never, as worthy of making an influential impact on your decision. Gotta constantly bear in mind that with time, I'm gonna start losing my place in your heart, and in your life...

Pardon me for being so random but I just have to rant about this. I've developed two HUGE ulcers. Which are strategically situated underneath my tongue - one on the left and one on the right - and which are painfully close to my throat. I'm fucking dying from the pain. I can't even speak properly anymore. KILL. ME. NOW.

--

I spent the whole day today doing nothing but integration. That, by the way, is one pathetic math topic. On top of that, I think I understood perhaps only 30% of all that I did today. Not bad, huh.

--

This has been such a terrible week. Each time I sit myself down to study, my mind drifts to some faraway place and by the time I get myself back to reality, my poor exhausted mind can't make sense out of what I'm reading/ doing anymore. I sit with my notes open, with the words staring straight at me, but I'm just not processing anything.

I guess to a certain extent, I wasn't wrong when I said that letting go or not, it hurts all the same. The pain is still real as ever, the waves of sadness still come and go. Can't believe I actually thought that it wouldn't be as bad this time. Nothing beats walking home alone though, and walking past special spots and places where we used to hang out till wee hours in the morning...

For some strange reason, I find myself wondering if I'm really out of your life for good, or if you're happier this way 'cos no one's there to pick petty fights with you anymore. But I also wonder if you miss me. If you think of me the same way I still think of you everyday. If this is hurting you as much as it's hurting me.

I haven't seen your face in what seems like eternity...

The tough thing about following your heart is what people forget to mention, that sometimes your heart takes you places you shouldn't be, places that are as scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring, and sometimes your heart takes you to places that can never lead to a happy ending. And that's not even the difficult part. The difficult part is when you follow your heart, you leave normal, and you go into the unknown. And once you do, you can never go back.

Today's a Saturday. And it's also Halloween. But today's a fucked up day. Right from the start I already braced myself for a horrible day. But I didn't know that it'd be this bad.

Sigh, today couldn't have been more unproductive. Studied with WQ and KB, but my mind just kept drifting. I couldn't concentrate, and half the time I didn't even know what I was doing.

It's 1140PM and I haven't had dinner. Which is good, actually, because my lack of appetite could possibly help me to lose weight. So should I be thanking the person who's causing this?

... Or maybe not. My gastric's acting up again. Not good. I should go get smth to eat.

--

A bad day calls for a badly constructed post, so don't ask me why my thoughts are so random.

--

P.S: There's only one song that's been on repeat the entire day. Together with the rainy weather and my downcast spirits... It's a perfect match.

只是爱要怎么说出口
我的心里好难受
如果能将你拥有
我会忍住不让眼泪流

Sigh.

I know it's really depressing to start a post with a sigh but I couldn't suppress that. I have less than 1.5 weeks left and I'm so unprepared I could just kill myself. Well, I guess this is the price to pay for spending close to two years doing nothing but slacking.

I'm starting to get more nervous with the passing of each day. Every night I go to sleep with an unsettling feeling, and wake up with the same unsettling feeling. The sheer knowledge that I haven't been productive enough with my time scares me, yet despite the immense stress, I still keep losing focus. I really don't wanna screw this up, but I'm not even sure if I'll pull through anymore.

--

That aside, I'm pretty relieved that life has been a little kinder to me these days :) can't deny that a good (unbalanced?) mix of studying + bball everyday really helps to take my mind off certain issues that I think I've become completely numb towards. Someday all of this is gonna be a part of my past, and although I repeat over and over again that I don't want that day to come, I'm in no position to stop it; I don't even have a say in it.

But I'm over and done with feeling awful about that because it's probably pointless. So what if I've fought so fucking hard? If the very person I've tried so hard for thinks nothing of it at all, then it's just been effort gone to waste. Nothing's ever fair, anyway... Just gotta be thankful for rare days like the past few days that's made me feel a wee bit better about life :)

--

A few pictures to make up for the wordy posts:

The pressure's mounting. Everyone's become so motivated, so determined, so focused on their goal... Everyone except me. How much studying did I accomplish today? One geog handout. Math consultation doesn't count, btw. And how many days have I got left? 14. No, after today, it's 13.

13. Fucking. Days. And I'm nowhere near being prepared. I hate this.

--

WQ and I caved in to the temptation to play bball and ended up spending almost half the day on the court. For emphasis: we played from when the sun was still up till we could no longer see the ball. Only then did we decide to stop. I shit you not. But really... Studying vs playing ball? Two complete extremes - one's effortless to resist, the other's irresistible. It was too simple a decision to make.

While we're at that, I believe I really am screwing this up extremely badly. I didn't go for any mock papers, and I haven't been to a lit lecture in eons. I'm not even exaggerating. I feel like I'm compromising my lit and econs for math and geog, because I've been doing way too badly for these two subjects which, sadly, are my first two papers. Yet I know that I cannot afford to screw my lit and econs up too. Ugh, did I already mention how much I fucking hate this?

I have no motivation at all, I'm losing the strength and stamina to pull through this final lap, and I'm fighting a battle with time. To say I'm stressed would be an understatement, although I know I don't exactly look like I'm under any pressure at all. Well, that's why they always say that appearances are deceiving, right?

--

This is a long enough post, the following paragraphs are just mindless rants that you should, by now, know that there's probably no point reading 'cos it might not even make sense to you.


I can't help but feel like such a fool. My life is fucking itself up and I can't even be bothered to do anything. I've been disappointing myself, disappointing the people around me, and I'm aware of it but I continue doing it. What the fuck does mind over heart mean, anyway? Your heart always rules, doesn't it?

What a great time to have my life all messed up, eh. Wish I could do smth about it but honestly, I'm too fucking exhausted. All my life I've been trying to right every wrong, to iron out every crease, but then smth else comes and fucks me up... It's like a cycle. And there comes a point where you get so tired that you just give in and give up because that's perhaps the only way for you to feel better, for you to feel less weary.

I'd like to think that I'm strong but it's all nothing but a lie. I can't achieve what I set out to do and this time, I really, really give up trying.

Sometimes, no matter how much something is hurting us, letting go hurts even worse.

A little update for those who still bother reading about my very uninteresting life:

The only constant these days is the torturous act of studying. Never thought that I'd ever say anything like this, but it's true. And this has affected all of us so adversely that we've all started to become a little screwy. The times where we go completely bonkers and start to do silly stuff/ spout a whole load of nonsensical shit... Come to think of it, it's actually pretty freaky.

WQ and I destressed today by playing bball. You should've seen the speed at which we packed up and put away our notes and books the moment we made that decision. As expected, we ended up burning the rest of the evening away. Doesn't make it any better that for the past two days, I've only covered two math topics. Sigh.

--

Today, I talked to Jillian. She asked me, "How are you? How's life? Your blog damn angsty recently, cannot read one."

I didn't know how to answer her.

Later on, WQ asked me, "Huh... Did he really make such a great impact on your life?"

Again, I was rendered speechless.

-

I didn't go straight home while making my way back earlier on. Instead, I wandered around the estate, intentionally going to the usual places where I met you almost every night. I walked one round. Didn't see you. My heart sank a slight bit. One more round. Still didn't see you. Walked the third round with dashed hopes and a heavy heart... After the third round, I recalled your agreement last night to keep out of my life, to stay away from me. I knew you meant it, I knew you'd act upon smth you said. Rationality kicked in, and I reluctantly walked back to my block. Yet while waiting for the lift, I just couldn't restrain myself from taking one last look to make sure you really weren't there.

This probably isn't the best analogy, but it's like fighting so hard for smth you want so fucking badly, but not getting it ultimately. Makes you wonder why you fought so hard in the first place, and whether it was smth you'd done that made you lose. Should I have held on a little longer? Should I have put aside what was, at that point, ostensibly the biggest obstacle between us? Did you see this coming a long time ago, or did you also think that perhaps things could have worked out to my advantage eventually?

I just cannot stop these thoughts from dominating my mind - at times even when I'm trying so hard to focus on what should currently be my #1 priority. Which explains why I've been zoning out a lot more, as if my face is perpetually stoned. No matter how hard I try, I just can't help it at all. I've become so powerless over myself.

Today is Day 3. How many more of such days will I have to go through? :(

非要等到爱远走分两头
才知道多不舍你走

Disclaimer: This is not a happy post.

Sometimes the hardest thing to let go of,
is smth you never really had.
What could've happened - didn't.
That's just the way the cookies crumbled.

I thought long and hard about how to begin this post. There's no right way, no perfect way, not even a satisfactory way to begin a post that marks the end. As I'm sitting here typing this out, the memories are flowing back to me, with emotions that take the form of tears. Tears I've kept in for one full day.

20 hours - no text, no call from you. Earlier on at 930PM, I instinctively checked my watch. Instinctively waited for your text. It took me three whole seconds to realize that that text wasn't gonna come in. Not anymore.

The walk home was absolutely heartwrenching. And so was falling asleep and waking up knowing that you're not with me anymore. I wonder if anyone knows just how this feels. The emotional torment, the lack of mood to do anything at all... I thought that I'd made ample mental preparation. But as it turns out, when it comes to matters of the heart, there's no such thing as being "sufficiently" prepared.

How have you been? I suppose you've been fine. Me, all that's been in my mind are scenarios of "what if"s and "could have been"s. I was convinced that what we had and shared between us could've brought us a long way. I clung onto what little hope I had, only to have that diminutive flame extinguished within seconds. Throughout the course of today, did it even occur to you how awfully terrible I've been feeling since last night? Did I even cross your mind, even for just a split second?

It's become instinct to instantly look towards the direction of the noise whenever I hear the rev of a car engine. It's become a norm to wait for your text to ask me to go down to meet you at this time. True enough, I've made you the centre of my life. But I guess that just wasn't enough for you.

You asked about the future. Perhaps surprisingly, I saw us way into the future, overcoming all obstacles and emerging even stronger, together. I know that I'd have given my all to see things work out eventually. Most of all, I knew that we could, as one, make it through. But that's of no relevance anymore. Just like that, it's all over and I'm left to pick up the shattered pieces, the traces that you've left behind.

I have to start learning to be happy for you, happy that you're finally going back to where you belong, to your comfort zone where everything worked out perfectly for you before I came into the picture.

--

There's no time to grieve, but I can't help it. I only have 20 days left. I'm not gonna make it.

--

It's not okay because he made me laugh.
Because I didn't have to pretend to be anything other than who I am when I was with him.
Because I don't believe that stuff about finding your other half,
but because I do believe that what you look for is someone who makes you a better person when you're with them,
who changes you for the better,
who makes you the best person you can possibly be,
and because I thought I had found that in him.